Facebook Down, Recession Ends

Mia Iverson | Sep 23, 2010 @ 06:09 PM

WORLD -- Facebook is down! Facebook is down!

Not since the Red Scare have Americans been in such a panic mode. But in an ironic twist, record levels of productivity in the American workforce were reached on Thursday and President Barack Obama announced the end of the current recession.

"This is a great day in our country's history," Obama said. "Even I signed five bills today when I found out I could not play Mafia Wars. Biden and I even had a meeting face to face for the first time since we were elected. This feels like the year when Michelle made me stop watching basketball and wouldn't let me fill out a bracket."

Increased productivity was noticed in every industry, but particularly in the technology field.

David Howe, a director of development in Kansas City, Mo., was shocked when he returned from a meeting and found his employees actually coding. Howe's coworker Carrie Royce, VP of marketing, had a similar reaction.

“My marketing and design team wasn’t supposed to have the new product ready until mid-October," Royce said. "But thanks to Facebook, we’re now ahead of schedule and projected to deliver by tomorrow. Thank you facebook!”

Economists are estimating that the global financial crisis will end by Friday.

Childhood obesity rates are also expected to drop if Facebook stays down for a significant amount of time. Joey Benson, 14, wandered out of his home in a Chicago suburb and noticed kids his own age.

“I didn’t even know there were other kids on this street,” Benson said. “I even learned what a ball was.”

Children worldwide are rediscovering sports, and hipsters started communicating verbally -- with their mouths.

“Yeh, instead of updating my status about my new black rimmed glasses and oversized button down plaid t-shirt I just bought," hipster Pierce Griffin said. "I actually just called my friend to tell him about my new purchase. We’re even going for coffee later.”

Griffin later admitted he had forgotten the sound of his friend’s voice.

Multiple media outlets are reporting that Mark Zuckerberg ordered the self destruction of Facebook until his unauthorized movie The Social Network spun him in a positive light.

Facebook, nor Zuckerberg, were available for comment.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire. This is not real. Except...Facebook was actually down.